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MEMORIES OF MY CHILDHOOD IN THE HOLOCAUST
by JUDITH JAEGERMANN, nee Pinczovsky
At the age of seven I knew already that we’re different from ourneighbours. We lived in Karlsbad, where I was also born.
It was Sukkoth (Feast of Tabernacles) and my Papa had just beenbusy making a “Sukka” in the yard of the house where we lived andwhere my parents had a big kosher restaurant. When all of asudden, stones were thrown from the neighbours’ windows. I wasterribly scared and asked Papa why they did this to us. He saidonly softly ” Because we are Jews”. That was in the year 1937.
We stayed for another two years in Karlsbad, after which we had toflee from the Germans to Prague. Once in Prague, we had to wearthe yellow Star of David and we were not allowed to leave ourhomes after 8 p.m., while we could ride only in the last carriageof the tramway, since the first ones were “Not allowed for Jews”.
Many houses bore captions in large letters: ” Do not buy in Jewishshops” or “Jews get out”. Instinctively I didn’t want to knowanything about it and that’s why my teddy bear was my best friend.My elder sister Esther had once brought it to me from Leipzig,while I possessed plenty of dolls – 28 precisely. I really usedto be an extremely playful child.
One day, when I was eleven and a half years old, Mama received aprinted summon, instructing us to appear at Prague’s ExhibitionHalls, in order to join a “transport” (i.e. the actualdeportation convoy of human beings to the concentration camps)which would drag us into the unknown.
– 2 –
Papa was at that time in the Karlien prison and I can wellremember that dear Mama had done everything possible to have Papajoin us at the “transport”. As a matter of fact he had beenreleased and had been delivered to the Exhibition Halls, whereeveryone was waiting to be shipped on. Everything went so fast…It had been very hard for me to cope with this sudden change inour lives and for me the only little light in this situation, hadbeen the fact, that after his long detention, I could finally hugand kiss my dear Papa again, having missed him so much during hisabsence from home. I had been allowed to visit him sometimes andhe could only stick a finger through the very dense fence andwas then overjoyed that I could kiss his finger. Since I was theyoungest of 3 girls, I was also the most spoilt one by Papa.At the Exhibition Halls we had the first roll-calls, during whichwe were to stand very rigid at attention.
One day we were very suddenly called for a roll-call.The shouting and the inhuman behavior of the Germans frightened meso much, that, while standing there, I simply fainted.Since then I was very sad during all those years of our detention,during which I spoke very little. I always accepted everythingquietly, without budging. This was due to a very strong internalfeeling, which told me in my deep sadness and despair, that thereis just nobody to turn to.
After a couple of days we were sent from Prague to Theresienstadt.It was an enormous confusion. Men, women and children, all wereseparated; my sister Ruth and I were transferred to a children’shome. From the very first day I reached Theresienstadt, I wascrying there all the time. I simply couldn’t get used to thissituation of being without my parents and I even isolated myselffrom the other children. This continued for a couple of weeks,until one day I simply escaped from the children’s home and ranstraight to Mama.
– 3 –
She somehow could give me shelter and that is why I stayed withher in the same room, together with many adult women. Mostly theywere Czech women, but also some Viennese and a few German Jews,who knew nothing whatsoever about jewishness and who wouldn’tbelieve that something could happen to them. They were German andfelt themselves as such. And so we started to live together withtotal strangers.Mama was very much liked by all, because she was really anextraordinary woman, so delicate and noble, always ready to helpand never grumbling. From the time I could be together with Mamaagain, instead of in the children’s home, I could endureeverything better: the bad food, the snoring of the women atnight, the skimpy washing convenience, as well as the cold,because there was a lack of blankets.Though I usually was quite depressed, there is no question aboutit, that the presence of my dear mother did definitely give mecourage to live.
My sister Ruth, who was only one year older than I, used to bemuch more together with the girls; she even worked in a vegetablegarden and together with her girlfriends they were able to makelife as bearable as possible under the circumstances.
Meanwhile my father was employed as a cook at the Hanover barracksand though he had to work hard, I believe that he didn’t go hungryat least. We could see him only very seldom because he was verybusy. All the young men who got to know him and who worked withhim, liked him very much and called him “Pincza”, derived fromhis name ” Pinczovsky”.In Theresienstadt I came down with a very bad case of scarletfever and had to be put in quarantine. All around me children diedof meningitis, which came as a result of the scarlet fever. At thetime I figured that I would end up in the same way.
– 4 –
We were 16 months in Theresienstadt, when one day we heard thatpeople were being sent to Auschwitz, where they were going to begassed.Of course nobody wanted to believe this and everybody saidthat this is impossible and that these were only rumours.
Unfortunately Papa, Mama, Ruth and I were also amongst those tobe sent to Auschwitz.Our fear grew by the hour since we didn’t know what to expect. Theunknown is something dreadful, which is even impossible todescribe.As long as we were all together, even though we didn’t livetogether in the same place, it was somehow bearable, but how wouldthis go on? Where would they send us next? Would they tear us allapart? Would we continue to live? It was an enormous chaos.
We were pushed into the cattle cars of the train, in the presenceof Eichmann, in his flawless uniform, his booted legs spread wideapart. With his famous slanted smile he was looking on, how theseunhappy, nothing anticipating people were treated like animals.Struck with dismay and terrified, nobody would think of refusingor resisting to board the train cars.
Everything went so unbelievably fast, with shouts of ” Now comeon, you miserable Jews!”, while the dogs were barking from alldirections.The main thing for me, I thought, is to be together with myfamily. For me, the fact that we all were together was the mostimportant thing.The continuous fear of the unknown, or that we would be tornapart, was hell for me and almost unbearable, though it seems thatone can suffer even worse; a person can be humiliated to such anextent, as if he were just some disgusting animal.
– 5 –
In the cattle cars one could hear nothing but moaning and crying,as well as whispers that this “transport” was going to Auschwitz.Of course, absolutely nobody knew anything definite, but everyonehad bad forebodings.
At present I cannot recall how long the trip from Theresienstadtto Auschwitz took, but one of my most dreadful memories, whicheven cannot forget until this day, was the fact, that they had setup a “shit bucket” in the middle of the car”, which was placedthere to serve as a toilet for all: men, women and children. Itwas inhuman and degrading.
As we were pretty near to this murderous death machine calledAuschwitz, Papa spoke through a tiny opening and asked a railwayemployee whether from here “transports” would go on to some otherdestination. The employee replied – thumb up – and said : “Sure,toup there, through the chimney, which is burning 24 hours a day,that’s where the ‘transports’ go”.
I had overheard this conversation by chance and my poor Papa, uponhearing this, immediately got stomach cramps and diarrhea. I hadto watch how my big, strong Papa, who to me seemed the most daringand strongest in the whole world, had to let down his trousers andwithout shame, had to sit down on the shit bucket in front of allthese people. The fact that he had to go to the toilet in such adegrading fashion, made me feel that my entire world collapsed.
I immediately understood that we would be gassed. But how? Howwould they torture us until we die? I started shivering and so didPapa. He was very depressed from that moment on, when he got thereply with the thumb up.
– 6 –
Finally the cross bars were taken off the doors outside and thedoors opened. Though it was dark, searchlights were focussed onus from all directions and again the barking dogs and the shouts:”Out, out, faster, faster,come on, come on”. Nobody knew what washappening. The men and women were kept separated. Everythinghappened very fast and again we were without Papa. I saw lots ofbarbed wire and searchlights and felt a strong smell of smoke.We were herded into a huge hall and we had to undress completely.I was 13 years old and I felt probably more ashamed at this agethan the adult women, who couldn’t care less.
We were standing in rows in order to be shaved everywhere. Ourclothes and personal belongings had immediately been taken awayfrom us and it was evident that the people who had to execute thisaction, were already so callous and dulled by their longimprisonment in Auschwitz, that they lacked all human likeness.These were the early settlers of the place.
When it was my turn to be shaved, I discovered that the person whodid the shaving was a man. But then in fact, he wasn’t a man. Hewas just a poor prisoner in a striped suit with hollow eyes andgaunt cheeks. He did his job without caring and without strength.Once we girls had been shaved everywhere, heads, underarms, pubicarea, we all looked like monkeys. None of us dared to look at theothers. Some had cried, while others started to laughhysterically. It was definitely grotesque.
Then we yet stood for hours naked until we were given old rags andagain , as if on purpose to degrade and to debase the people, theywould give tiny rags to the big women, while the smaller womenwere given oversized things. Some girls had only received a coat,without anything underneath, while others got torn thin dresseswithout anything over it. And no underwear whatsoever. Everythingwent quickly; we were totally at the mercy of destiny withoutbeing able to complain to anyone.
– 7 –
I was only thinking: “Where did they take Papa? Will we ever seehim again? What will happen to all of us now?”. After we weregiven the clothes to wear, we had to stand in line again to betattooed.
To stand around for hours was not unusual in Auschwitz. Mama wasstanding in front of me, then I and behind me my sister Ruth. Mamawas given number 71501, I was 71502 and Ruth got 71503. It wasvery painful and when I wanted to take my hand away because ithurt, I was given a slap in the face. It was a big, ugly Polishwoman who did the tattooing.
In short – it took only a couple of hours after our arrival toAuschwitz and we were no human beings any more, but only numbersand none of us could do or say anything about it.
I was only thinking: “How is it possible that grownups arecapable to do these things to others?”.Where is Justice and why do we deserve this? In my unhappinessbecame more and more silent and reserved.
After the tattooing, we were driven into barracks withoutmattresses. From now on the women had to live squeezed together,on three levels of bunk beds. It was terrible and cold, and wedidn’t know what the next minute would have in store for us. Theonly thing one could do, was to swallow hard and to suffer insilence.
The food was some kind of feed, called soup, a dark, wateryliquid, for which one had again to stand in line in order to getsome of it into a small tin bowl – not even full.Within a couple of weeks we all became thin, numb and listless,just as those who had been before us in Auschwitz. Our camp wascalled Birkenau. B 2 B. Block 12.
– 8 –
We saw Papa again after a couple of days and my heart was cryingout when I saw him. He was wearing a very short and narrow coatand looked terribly wretched and degraded in it. He was totallydepressed, because we too must have looked terrible to him. Aftersome time he reported as a cook and had to work for the SS. Ifthey didn’t like the food, they would keep his head emersed underwater, until he almost suffocated.
I overheard this by chance when he told it to Mama. Sometimes hewould bring us, under mortal danger, some boiled potatoes and thenhe ran immediately back to his barrack, where he would rack hisbrains what to cook for the SS so that they would like it and hewouldn’t be tortured as a result.
Back home in Karlsbad my parents used to own a big Kosherrestaurant, but of course Papa didn’t do the cooking, because forthat purpose he had plenty of kitchen helpers.
One day Ruth was looking when another ‘transport’ arrived atBirkenau’s railway station. These were Hungarian Jews, who weretaken straight away to be gassed. She had seen this together witha girlfriend and she was caught looking; so she and her girlfriendhad their heads again totally shaved after the hair had alreadystarted to grow a little after the first shaving. Ruth returnedcrying and with a shaven head into the barrack. After I saw her, Istarted to cry so hard that I hardly could calm myself. Neitherhad I immediately understood why she had been punished, but thesight of her bald head was terrible for me and only after a coupleof hours did I calm down, after one of the girls reassured me andsaid that we had to find a scarf for Ruth which she could wear onher head, so that the baldness would not show. But this incidentdepressed me even more. I was very low and always worried thatthey shouldn’t – G. forbid – catch Papa when he would sometimescome and see us for a moment and bring us some food.The men whowould visit the women were whipped until they would looseconsciousness. This shouldn’t happen to Papa.
– 9 –
The roll-calls in Birkenau were horrible. They drove us already athalf past four in the morning from the barracks and would let usstand for hours at a time at attention, either in the freezingcold or during a heat-wave. Many women could not take it andfainted, being already extremely weak due to the lack of food,while the cold also bothered us a lot. My feet were totallyfrost-bitten. I had only wooden house-shoes which were constantlyfalling off my feet, because Birkenau had during winter heavy mudin which my house-shoes got stuck.
Mama had torn her blanket apart and had made bands to swathe mylegs to keep them a little warmer.But my legs became worse all thetime; it was terribly cold, -20 C., (i.e. 20 degrees Centigradebelow zero) and the frost-bites became open wounds, infected andwith puss. It is like a miracle to me that – over the years, herein Israel – this has totally disappeared, but I am still fragilein winter and I am wearing only boots, because those places whohad been frost-bitten still hurt sometimes. The local sun hasaccomplished miracles.
Also appalling were Birkenau’s latrines. Made as deep pits, theywere separated in the middle by a narrow board and divided by atransparent canvas fabric, so that men and women could see eachother through the material. This was so degrading and inhuman,because all one could see were the naked and skinny behinds of themen. Since everyone was suffering from a watery diarrhoea as aresult of the long period of under-nourishment, this was the sightwe were seeing when we had to go to the latrines.
I will never forget a woman,I believe her name was Kleinova, whoalways used to carry her bread ration around with her, so that shewould not die of hunger. One day her bread ration fell into thedirty latrine and out of sheer despair she crept into the pit, orit seems that she had let herself fall into it, to recover herbread ration. Though she, as the bread, were disgustingly filthy, this was of no importance to her. The animal instinct tosurvive, by keeping food at hand, had triumphed.
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I saw this same Kleinova woman die next to me a couple of monthslater in Bergen-Belsen. It is a miracle that she even stayed alivethat long, because she had literally eaten nothing at all, whileonly hoarding and storing rations. I will never ever forget thisincident with the latrine. People simply became animals.
The daily roll-calls which took hours, were totally senseless.Occasionally 2-3 times daily and only in order to annoy us. Moreand more people collapsed. They just were shot and taken away. Theeternal barbed wire was our only view and all the camps weredivided by high tension wires. Many people committed suicide inthis way; they simply would crawl up to the barbed wires and woulddie immediately, glued to the wires. I still can clearly recall ayoung girl who did this. I had seen her still alive and the verynext moment she had chosen death by reaching out and clutching thebarbed wire. There we had hell in its purest form, impossible todescribe.
One day Mengele appeared in person and asked the barrack’sresponsible whether there were any twins amongst the girls. Sincenobody ever knew whether these questions meant life or death, shedidn’t want to take the responsibility upon herself and askedloudly: “Are there any twins amongst you ?”.
By chance I had become the best friend of two of the girls whowere twins. They slept opposite me on the bunk beds on the thirdlevel and we had become very friendly, since we all were of thesame age.
I suddenly heard when these two girls said:”Yes, we are twins”.Mengele came closer. He looked at them very carefully. They werealmost identical with their freckled faces.
– 11 –
All Mengele said, was: ” O.K., so come with me. Anyhow, by nightyou’ll be back here”.My instincts told me that I would never see my friends again andindeed, I never saw them again and I even couldn’t inquire aboutthem since I have forgotten their names.
I have been thinking a lot about these two. who knows whatexperiments this brute carried out on them and how they had todie.
And again rumours started, that they needed some people for mop-upactions, but then who could believe that we would get out ofBirkenau alive?
I believe it was spring when my dear Mama said:” Look Laluschka,look overthere, a little bird is flying there and I tell you, thatthis is a sign of life or a sign to live and with the Lord’s helpwe’ll get yet out of here. I marvelled at her for being able to beso optimistic, because I didn’t believe anymore in such miraclesand I said only very softly and without strength:”Do you reallybelieve this, Mami?” “Oh yes, I definitely believe that G. willhelp us.”This is what she answered me, this poor, starving, yet admirablydevout and dear little Mama. How terribly must she have felt tosee her children so miserable and hungry.
And in fact it was on July 5th, on Mama’s birthday, when Mengelepersonally carried out the selection. Again we were standing inline, four rows deep and had of course not the faintest idea whatwas going to happen to us next. Anyhow, we always stayed togetherand rubbed each others cheeks, so that we would look healthier andmore capable to work. While we were standing there to wait for ourdestiny, I saw Papa standing at a distance watching the selectionprocess. At that very moment I knew that I would never see my dearPapa again, no matter where we would be going now.
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I tore myself away from my row and ran to him, not listening to the shouts ofthe women, that all would be punished or killed because of myleaving the row. I hugged Papa with all my strength and knewinstinctively that this was our farewell forever. Then I walkedcalmly back to my row, feeling that I had said goodbye to Papa,who was standing there crying.I was lucky that none of the SSpeople had watched me. And that’s how we continued to stand andwait what Mengele had decided for us. Nobody ever knew at thispoint, which side meant life and which side meant death. As if bymiracle all three of us were pushed to the same side and that’show we stayed together again.
As said before, we only didn’t know whether this meant life ordeath. We saw how children were torn away from their mothers and Ican still vividly recall today the cries of those mothers. After along time of uncertainly we have been led through the women’scamp, called F.K.L., to the railway station.But in the women’scamp they still had us stand in the burning heat, without a biteto eat or a sip of water.
Though the barrack’s responsible there was a woman, she was moreof a hyena. For hours on end we had to stand at attention and sheonly watched whether someone would budge.
Amongst us was a Viennese girl, called Martha. Since the girl madethe impression that she was smiling, the barrack’s responsiblebecame so upset, that she had Martha fall on her knees with bothhands stretched up. she had to stay in this position – withoutmoving – for quite a while and again it seemed to her that Marthawas smiling. The beast became even more furious and gave Martha abrick, which she was to hold up with stretched out arms, whilebeing on her knees.I was standing facing her and until this dayam unable to describe the pity and heartache I felt for her. Icould see very clearly, that one can humiliate and degrade a humanbeing to a degree lower than that of a worm. By this time I hadtotally lost my confidence in adults, even before I startedtrusting them. For me, it was again a shocking experience
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I will never ever, for as long as I’ll live, forget it. I havebeen told today that Martha has survived and is living somewhereabroad.
I don’t even remember how long we had been standing there, butafter a very long time of standing, we were driven into the cattlecars. That’s when Mama said to me:”You see, Laluschka, I told youthat the little bird brought us the good news to get out of thishell. This is the most beautiful birthday present in my life.”Neither had she lost faith to see Papa again some day.
We were travelling into uncertainty. Though nobody knew whereto,everyone said that it couldn’t be anywhere worse than Auschwitz.Today I cannot remember anymore how long we were riding in thesecattle cars, all squeezed together like sardines. We also had lostall sense of time. Unfortunately, many girls suffocated and whenthe railroad cars were opened their dead bodies fell out.
We arrived in Hamburg, where they accommodated us next to theport, where we had to engage immediately in the cleaning up afterbombardments.Since I was the youngest of all and couldn’t keep up with them,the older girls often used to help me with this hard work.
Hamburg had more water and all of us were quite happy that after along time we finally could somehow wash and drink. In the
beginning we even got a little more food, but then winter came.Again it was snowing heavily and we had to shovel the snow fromunder a bridge in the icy cold. I can remember that one day duringwork, I blacked out and kind of started to sleep. Suddenly I feltas if someone wakes me and I saw the faces of many women over me.I overheard them saying: “The little one almost froze to death”.They let me lie down for a little while longer and then many girlsstarted massaging me and rubbing me, so that I started to feel mybody, hands and feet again.
– 14 –
I felt miserable, totally depressed and without strength. I gotup and continued to shovel snow and was thinking, how one can goon living like this. Everything was so inhuman, always connectedwith fear and one had to take the utmost care that the SS peopleshould not notice that one of us women would feel bad, so thatthey would not – G. forbid – declare her as unfit to work. Becausethere was always the danger of being sent back to Dirkenau, whichwould of course mean death by gas. With this the Germans used tothreaten us all the time. That’s why we used to work over andbeyond our strength. On our way from the camp to work and in spiteof being mostly so hungry, we even used to sing sometimes amarching song like this: ” This cannot upset a seaman, no fear, nofear, Rosemary. We won’t let our life be embittered, no fear, nofear, Rosemary”. Even the SS woman would allow us to sing, becausethat made us march faster. And the song itself gave us a littlecourage to live.
Sometimes we also saw political prisoners, who had of course muchbetter conditions; seeing us wretched, hungry and in rags, theywould sometimes throw us a cigarette or a piece of bread. Ipersonally never dared to pick up something, since everything waslinked to the greatest danger. Girls who were lucky enough topick something up, would usually share it with a neighbour or afriend. As a matter of fact, there was never any scuffling. Onlyat night, when we used to come back to the camp, it was terrible.Then they used to check us, even gyneacologically, to verifywhether we hadn’t smuggled anything into the camp from theoutside. The name of the camp’s responsible was Trude. She,together with camp commander Spiess would search us verythoroughly and G. forbid, if a piece of potato peel or somethingelse would be found. Then the person in question would be treatedto 50 whippings on his naked behind in front of all andadministered with the greatest pleasure by Spiess himself. Thiswould sadden me so much, that for days on end I couldn’t speak a word. Once a friend of Mama was beaten like this; she fainted,couldn’t sit for weeks and all swollen, she only moaned in pain.
– 15 –
The long period of undernourishment made us all suffer fromfuruncolosis. I personally had many furuncles, mostly in my armpits and innumerable ones on my behind. Amongst us we had apediatrician, Dr. Goldova, who had somehow got hold of a scalpel- probably through the SS – with which she used to treat us andto squeeze out the puss. Of course there was no hygienic care,such as disinfection, therefore the puss boils would multiply moreand more, one disappearing while another one started. It is bothvery contagious and very painful. I couldn’t get rid of mine formonths on end.
I also got high fever from it and had to be operated. But verysoon and with superhuman strength, or maybe out of sheer fear tobe “liquidated”, I returned again to work. Though I had sufferedtremendous pain, I didn’t want to bother anyone and suffered insilence, until miracuously it did heal. This really was one ofthe miracles which came about. Evidently G. always helped to getbetter, in order to be able to carry on with destiny.
We had many rats in our barrack, which at night would crawl overus. We had to get used to that too and learned to live with it.
One night, when we returned dead-tired from work, the camp haddisappeared. It had been bombed by the British and totally wipedout; we had nowhere to put our head.
Some girls, who for some reason had stayed in the camp that day,had been killed or injured. Our doctor had also been hit andinjured. And one of our guards was lying there stretched out anddead. I still can see the picture before my eyes. And that’s howwe have been once more sent on; again into uncertainty, withoutanything tangible, only fear in our souls, hungry and uprooted,not knowing what else is in store for us. And always in a herd.The only thing I kept thinking about, the only important thing, was to stay together, because that was the one thing that kept usalive. Many women, who had been alone, just didn’t care any more,they didn’t want to live any more and finally died due toemotional exhaustion.
– 16 –
So they accommodated us in another camp in Hamburg and straightaway we had begun working again.
It was an icy cold day and even the SS woman had permitted toimprovise a small fire, so that we could warm our hands, whichwere stiff from the cold. Therefore each of us had looked for asmall piece of wood or paper, in order to put it into a pail,which was lying there in the ruins of one of the houses, in orderto light a fire.
The SS woman had the matches and after long efforts we succeededto get these wet pieces of paper and the few pieces of wood toburn.
Naturally, it smoked quite a lot and it also smelled bad, but wewere happy and proud to have succeeded and the entire group wasstanding around the pail, their hands stretched out. We also movedour feet in order not to freeze.
All of a sudden, we heard – coming from the ruins – a manshouting:” What are you doing here, you dirty Jews? Get away fromthere, at once, you scoundrels!”. Of course, everybody wasfrightened, even our SS woman didn’t know who could be behindthose stones. Everyone ran away as fast as they could and we couldhear that the man came closer. Since I was the last one, becauseI couldn’t walk that fast, this man got hold of me and poured theentire contents of the burning pail over my head and neck. Ifell, due to pain and fear, while all the girls were ahead. OnlyMama turned around for me and when she saw me on fire, she pulledme with all her strength and cried out for help.
– 17 –
That’s why some of the girls came back and their hands patted myrags in order to extinguish the fire. It burned terribly and I waslucky that I had been wearing a rag around my head, whichprevented me from getting deep burn wounds.
That same evening, when we came back from work, even campcommander Spiess ordered that I be given a second helping of soup.However I was so terrified and unhappy after the day’s events,that I couldn’t eat it.
This same Spiess had almost once beaten Mama to death with arevolver, because Mama had found a potato peel. she said that hewanted to shoot her, but possibly the revolver hadn’t been loadedand therefore he had beaten her with it on her head like a madman,until foam appeared at his mouth. For many weeks Mama couldn’t goto work and her head was terribly swollen.
My grief, not to have Mama with me at work, was considerable andI had the most terrible and fearful mental images,fearing that Iwouldn’t find her again. But the camp responsible had kept herbusy in the camp during her illness.
In the evening there was a total black-out in the camp, sinceHamburg had been heavily bombed by the Tommies; several timesduring the day and also at night there had been very heavybombardments and we therefore couldn’t go to the latrines, becausedarkness was so complete, that one couldn’t see anything at all.
This scared me a lot, since I couldn’t find my way around, anddidn’t want to wake Mama, who was so tired due to the heavyphysical work she had been doing. And that is why I always triedto retain myself,which kept me from sleeping, while having a veryhard time to hold out until the morning.In the morning, when we were finally allowed to go to thelatrines, we of course lost half of it on the way.
– 18 –
And then, the number of lice we had! We of course couldn’t controlthem, because no sanitation whatsoever was possible. On the pillarin our barrack there was written: ” One louse, your death” andthat’s why we couldn’t show that we were full of lice; furtivelywe used to delouse one another and crush the lice.
One evening, again dead tired after a heavy working day, we werestanding in line with our tin plate, in order to receive thelittle bit of warm water, called soup. When it was my turn, I wasalready so hungry and exhausted from standing there, I simplythought that I can take no more. Finally the soup was already inmy plate. I turned around in order to eat and stumbled in thedark. My entire soup was spilled and I was left with an emptyplate. I started to cry so hard that I was shaking all over andthat’s how I went to sleep, terribly hungry, after I hadn’t hadany food all day. I wouldn’t have dared to approach the campresponsible in order to request a little bit more soup.
We had lost quite some weight since our arrival in Hamburg ninemonths ago. We had gone through terrible bombardments, duringwhich many of us would cry “Shma Israel” and often enough wethought that this would be the end of it. Because next to our campthere were a lot of industrial plants, which were the realobjective of the British.
Then came the day when the front drew nearer and once more we hadbeen evacuated. Partly again squeezed into cattle cars, where Ifelt like being choked. The bang of the bolt being shut, stillremains until this day in my ears. After a couple of days, Icannot recall how many, the door was opened. Most of us werealready half dead when we saw also other trains with emaciated -to us totally unknown – people. These must have been people fromother concentration camps, being evacuated to another place. Onceout of the trains, we were standing again in rows of four andthat’s how the death march started on foot. Again, we had not thefaintest idea where they would drag us.
– 19 –
In the beginning it was somehow still all right, mostly because wevery happy to be in the fresh air and not like cattle in thecattle carriages.But slowly, every now and then, one of us would sit down by theroad, feet all swollen, not being able to continue to walk anymore.Those, who couldn’t go any further,were simply shot down, withoutmuch ado.Further and further we went, with the strength of an iron will.And again I must stress, that hadn’t it been for my beloved Mama,who was next to me, I’m sure I wouldn’t have survived this. shegave me courage, she comforted me in my desperation; she, who wasdesperate herself. She was my guardian angel. She also was motherto all the girls who were alone and she always found a word ofcomfort for them. All the girls tried to stay near to her and feltsheltered with her.
After many days of walking and after the house-shoes fell off fromsome swollen feet, we arrived in Bergen-Belsen.Though we had absolutely no notion where we were, we learned itafterwards.
The very first sight of this ghastly camp, was a huge hill ofnaked, dead people, who were practically only skeletons.
Such a terrible and frightening sight I even hadn’t seen inAuschwitz and right away I was thinking that within a few shortdays we would be looking the same, stacked like these ones.Because we wouldn’t be able to take it much longer. Since we hadlost a number of women from exhaustion on our way, I felt that wetoo were nearing the end.
The ones who were still alive, could move only very slowly; itlooked like a “slow motion picture”.
– 20 –
There was absolutely nothing to eat. There was no waterwhatsoever. It was a total chaos, because the Germans had all runaway, while the front was drawing closer and closer. We could hearcannon shots, but nobody could estimate the distance from whichthey were shot.There was nobody to supervise us, or to ask any questions.
Suddenly we saw Hungarian soldiers, or maybe they were Ukrainians,who had taken over the sentry boxes. They were shooting quitebrutally all around and it seemed as if they would have liked tohit someone for fun. That’s how they kept themselves happy andamused themselves.
A couple of days later I personally witnessed when one of thesesoldiers shot at two sisters, who could hardly creep anymore. Oneof them died on the spot.
The wailing of the living sister was heart-rending. The only thingshe was yet capable of, was to whine and to moan.And that’s how weall became “Mussulmen”. Emaciated, lifeless, thrown together indirty barracks. Destiny brought me again together with the woman,whose bread ration had fallen into the latrine in Auschwitz. Shedied on the floor one morning in my presence. Her daughter satnext to her, indifferent and numb.We had been for approximately two weeks in thissnakepit, without eating or drinking. People died like flies; theysimply collapsed. Death was everywhere and everywhere death wasanticipated.
One morning we heard tanks and someone came into our barrack andsaid:” Kids, we are free!!!” But nobody moved, because nobody hadany strength left over to be happy. All of us were already soapathetic, that even with the best of intentions, this is almostindescribable.
– 21 –
Now we had a typhoid fever epidemic, because the British, whenentering the camp with their tanks, threw canned food and bread tothe people.Those, who could still crawl, ate some of it and theresults were terrible. These people simply died like flies, notused any more to food.Mama, my guardian angel, had immediately warned us in a softvoice: “Children, do not touch this. After being hungry for somany years, the stomach is not able to process this food. Wait andeat slowly. Eat only tiny portions .”
I personally couldn’t eat a thing. I had contracted typhoid feverand my temperature was very high, while the same happened to Mamaand Ruth. It was, once more, a miracle that we survived. Allaround us people were dying. There was really terrible misery anddesperation everywhere. I was so weak, that I could speak nolonger and I could only hear as if the sounds were reaching methrough a thick veil.Some time later, I really believe it was a miracle, my temperaturefell.
The British soldiers taught us to walk again, just as one wouldteach a small child.So we stayed on for some more time, until they organized therepatriation, for each one to go back to his homeland.
We got a little more strength, thanks to the many vitamin pills wewere taking and also some bread and milk. I was thinking again ofmy dear Papa, who most certainly would not be alive any more. Hehad been all the time alone and had had no news from us. It wasindeed very sad when we reached Prague and of course didn’t findhim there any more. And thus we received from the Joint fittingclothes and food supplies. Our hair grew also again. More or lesswe started to look like human beings.
– 22 –
The memory of the heaps of the degraded naked corpses, before theyhad been thrown into mass graves will always stay vivid in mymemory. Bergen-Belsen was a ghastly camp, without hope nor life.
On our way from Bergen-Belsen to Prague, after the liberation, wemade several stops. When the train would stop, we could even leavethe train for a few minutes.
One of these stops was Pilsen in Czechoslovakia. When the peoplesaw us, they asked us from where we were coming and about themeaning of the tattooed numbers on our arms. We told them that wehad spent 3 1/2 years in concentration camps and that we had gonethrough hell. Upon which these people asked us: “And why didn’tyou stay where you were? Who needs you here?”
We went back to the train, emotionally totally worn out. This wasthe welcome reception to freedom, for which we had so desperatelybeen waiting.
Back in Prague we didn’t know what to do. Transportation was beingarranged to Palestine and thus Mama had registered me with theYouth Aliya. According to her, at least one of us should take thisstep to freedom, after we hadn’t been able to find Papa again. Myeldest sister, Esther, had been living in Palestine for the lastseven years already. She lived in Netanya and I went to stay withher.
After our arrival in Haifa, we had been detained again in theAtlit camp. I had to stay there for three months and was onceagain behind barbed wire.Being only 16 years old, I couldn’t understand that the sameBritish, who had taught us to walk again, kept us here once moredetained. I cried day and night and could not accept that this hadto be, since I had believed that I would be really free.
– 23 –
Luckily enough, I had good friends, who all had come from variousconcentration camps. They were mostly people, living alone andwithout family ties, who, for the most part joined a kibbutz.Finally came the day when Esther came to pick me up.She took me to her home, where she lived with her husband and sonin only one room.
My terrible traumatic memories will never leave me.Everything is still very much alive in me.
My dearest Mama will always stay sacred to me.G. bless her memory.She was my guardian angel during the most horrible times.